Partial Catastrophe Living

How to destroy the mindfulness of an entire room in one fell swoop

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black woman meditating

You know how when the mindfulness instructor, with his dulcet tones, is leading an exercise to get you to focus on your breath and you forget how to breathe?

No? Just me? Okay.

Well. What about when your mindfulness instructor is speaking in his soothing voice about the way that breath just comes and goes and there’s no…and when you’re ready after the chime, simply open your eyes. and you realize you may have been snoring? And you’re sitting in a chair, with your back straight so that very thing you were afraid would happen, won’t happen, but does anyway?

No? Seriously? Alright.

Well, then. How about when you’re doing the last exercise of the day and all is well, you have this whole mindfulness thing down pat, it is easy, breezy, everyone should meditate, totally, and you realize you have to cough.

Oh, no.

You’re going to disturb the entire class. You can’t cough, it’s going to be so loud. Eyes will snap open in anger and they will all stare at you even though we are all supposed to have our eyes closed. And they’re going to think what you know to be true, that you don’t belong here and why didn’t you know better than to cough, out loud during meditation!

And then it happens. Two barking coughs. There. Better.

Oh, god. Another cough. Nope. You’re going to hold it in and that will take care of it.

Except it doesn’t and your chest is heaving, because this is the biggest cough and you have to let it out. Somehow, the urge to cough has turned into an urge to sneeze.

That, you can handle. You know how to smother a sneeze. You’ll smother it until it’s dead and then your classmates won’t hate you any longer, because you didn’t disturb their meditation again. You are basically, a hero. Seriously.

Mindfulness is so awesome.

Roz is trying to recreate the jungle in her urban home. She’s a woman who knows her dieffenbachia from her dracaena. Family have threatened to tell her local plant dealer to cut her off, but, so far she has outsmarted their efforts. She can be found here, and here, if you want to give her some houseplant growing tips or send her a cutting.

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